That sinking feeling, in Stoke-on-Trent

All hell has broken loose here in Stoke-on-Trent. In a bid to stop binge drinking fire eaters and a man on stilts have been asked to take to the streets. Are they mad? Who in their right mind would go onto the streets of Newcastle-under-Lyme on one of the biggest party nights of the year with inflammable liquid... Do health and safety know?? Let's face it, after 14 pints some hoodlum is going to fancy having a go and then in a puff of smoke they'll be on trolley at the University Hospital of North Staffordshire quicker than you can say Snow White... And the man on stilts. You can just see it as someone who has had a couple of shandies rolls up with an axe and tries to chop him down.
You can just hear the conversation: "Oh, look, there's a man on stilts, I must remember not to drink 20 shots of Vodka and then vomit in the street..."
It's just not going to happen. What next? How about in an attempt to stop drug-taking on the streets of Stoke-on-Trent we are sending in the clowns..."Oh, look, I won't be injecting heroin today because there's a really funny clown..." Really?!
For more hilarity, pop along to The Sentinel...

In a spin in Stoke-on-Trent

There's a lot of sadness here in Stoke-on-Trent. Pensioner Arthur Colclough has been found dead in a Stoke-on-Trent City Council bungalow. He could have been dead for weeks. No-one knows. His neighbours asked for help and contacted the city council. They say the authority failed to act. So Arthur had a lonely death in his stinking home in Longport, which had no electricity or gas. Not long ago, the same thing happened to one of Mr Colclough's neighbours. Just a few doors away Terence Whatmore was found alone suffering from hypothermia. He died shortly afterwards. The coroner asked for measures to be taken to ensure that this didn't happen again. Nothing was done. The council shrugs its broad shoulders. Its only reply to Arthur's death comes in a 50-word statement. Bizarrely, it says that Mr Colclough had not asked for help in recent weeks. Did any think that maybe this was because he was dead...

This is a PR department which will cost taxpayers £940,000 during the next three years. Value for money? Or would this money be better spent on making sure that vulnerable old people don't die alone in their squalid council homes... Should you care to read more on life in Stoke-on-Trent, why not visit The Sentinel...

Off to Castro's Cuba from Stoke-on-Trent

We're all a bit disgruntled here in Stoke-on-Trent. According to The Sentinel, three care workers have been sacked for talking about the place they work on Facebook and putting a picture of one of their mates from the home, pictured in the home, on the site. Has anyone died? Has the reputation of the home been diminished? Was this a terror attack? Has any criminal offence been committed? No, no, no no. Unless there is a secret to be told, at best, these three should have had a warning...but was it even worth that? So far in the last seven days in Stoke-on-Trent we have been told that takeaways are banned, sex shops are banned, walking on the cracks in pavements is banned, freedom of speech, banned, even banning something is now banned.

What in heaven's name (sorry, can't say heaven, banned) is going on????? The nanny state has truly taken over. Soon children will be banned from leaving their homes in Stoke-on-Trent unless they are covered in bubble wrap to protect them against the weather. Or Stoke ~City fans will be banned from singing Why Delilah? because it will give them a sore throat.

There's so such leftie, PC nonsense going on that you'll find more freedom in Castro's right index finger than Gordon Prudent's Stalinist state.

Should you wish to learn more about life in the Potteries, go to The Sentinel's website...

Strictly Stoke-on-Trent

In an attempt to lose a few pounds (not money, weight) before Christmas here in Stoke-on-Trent we have come up with the idea of ballroom dancing during our lunch breaks.

Well if old Brucie can do aged 146, we should be able to give it a bash. The idea came from an article in The Sentinel. I had two concerns. Firstly, who would want to dance with me, I've got two left feet, and secondly, why our office junior had an unhealthy interest in wearing a sequined dress. It made me think about who from the Potteries would give Brucie a run for his money on Strictly. How about football legend Alan Hudson for his silky footwork; Phil "The Power" Taylor for his ability to throw fellow dancers across the floor in a straight line; Nick Hancock for his talent to tell better jokes than Mr Generation Game or Stoke City player Mama Sidibe because he can leap higher than anyone else...Anyway, three people turned up to our own version of lunchtime Strictly and it quickly turned into a farce when I tried to lift our 18st human resources manager. At the time, it seemed a good idea. It didn't seem to do Austin Healey any harm. Three hours later, I firmly believe I made an error of judgment as I wait on a trolley in a corridor at the University Hospital of North Staffordshire. My fear is not the treatment of the slipped disc but what other illnesses I may acquire...should you wish to read more about life in the Potteries, go to The Sentinel...

Time for a fag, in Stoke-on-Trent...

Rebellion in the ranks in Stoke-on-Trent. I've just started smoking because the Government, headed by old Gordon Prudent, are bullying smokers into giving up. In defiance I'm now smoking 20 nails in the coffin a day to add to the poor record of smokers who litter the streets of the Potteries.

The advantage is that I'm now up with the gossip which seeps from the smoking shelter just outside our HQ in Smoke-on-Trent... The disadvantages are that I look as white as a tin of Dulux gloss, I smell, I've a permanent cough and I'm broke...£5.84 a pack!!??

However, it's a small price to pay to uphold the freedoms of our country and prevent Brownie from moving us into a Stalinist state.

My newsagent in Stoke-on-Trent is having a ball. Under new rules he will have to cover up cigarettes and they will be sold under the counter.

In preparation for this he has hidden all the cigarettes in the shop and asks customers to play "hide and seek" to find the naughty cancer sticks amongst his copies of The Sentinel...

All very well if you've got hours to spend and don't have to jump onto a First bus. This made me wonder what else is the Government going to hide because it's bad for you?

Should they hide butter because it could help give you a heart attack? What about petrol, it's bad for the atmosphere...and alcohol, doesn't do your liver much good.

The "hide and seek" policy is tried and tested, after all, you can never find an MP when you want one... Meanwhile, from my covert observation point somewhere in Stoke-on-Trent I've spotted Robbie Williams.

As predicted by me and not Midas, Stoke City's very own fortune teller, Robbie is destined to return home.

Ok, he may have decided to snub Stoke-on-Trent for Wiltshire but I'm sure he can be persuaded to buy a house in Burslem.
I mean, for £7m, the boy could buy the whole of Burslem and have some change...for more stories on life in Stoke-on-Trent, pop along to The Sentinel...

Ho, ho, ho, in Stoke-on-Trent

Things have finally got out of hand here in Stoke-on-Trent. The office Christmas meal ended up as a bit of a cold turkey.

It all started when the MD decided we would have a themed festive gathering based on old Mr Oche himself, Phil 'The Power' Taylor.

So there we were, 101 of us with pillows tied round our wastes for a fuller figure look, (except for the large lady from human resources) and garish short-sleeved shirts worn by all on the coldest day of the year.

Unfortunately, boy in a suit, our 15-year-old consultant from Berwick-upon-Tweed, took things too far and bought his own darts and board.

This was fine until after half a glass of Blue Nun he decided to throw the dart at the balloons hanging over the MD's table.

Well, the rest, as they say is history. The dart missed the balloons by a country mile and dropped like a lead balloon straight into the MD's right thumb before he was about to tuck into his stale bread roll. Chaos ensured.

A trip to the University Hospital of North Staffordshire loomed large and he left the building looking like a dishevelled Teletubby, pillow hanging around his thigh and his white with purple and green spotted shirt improved (...in my opinion) with a dash of blood spread randomly between the dots.

Anyway, the point was that this was no fine dining experience in Stoke-on-Trent. Where was The Sentinel's food critic Alan Cookman when you need him to encourage the chef to pull his finger out and cook something that isn't in the charred remains cookbook.

The roasties were burnt, I failed to recognise the sausage wrapped in bacon until it was pointed out to me by the waiter and the turkey was more akin to my brown leather gloves in taste and colour...

The only highlight were the Brussels, not for eating, of course. They were so undercooked they were perfect for the annual food fight.

Our table won as always, as serviettes were waved frantically in submission. The moral? Do as I always do at Christmas, sit next to members of the local cricket team, their sprout-throwing is something to behold...

If you care to read more about life in the Potteries, pop along to The Sentinel...

Feel the power in Stoke-on-Trent

Here in my covert observation point in deepest Stoke-on-Trent there are muted celebrations. Super-hero Phil "The Power" Taylor, the 13 times world darts champ, is to appear in Coronation Street. According to my copy of The Sentinel, Mr Bullseye is heading for the Rovers Return in the disguise of Disco Dave.
I say muted celebrations for a reason. While we are delighted that Burslem's finest will appear on TV, there are fears that his wit, dashing good looks (mmmmm...well, in the right light), cult-figure status and his Stokieness (...just made that up) might force TV execs into offering The Power a bigger role, thus depriving the oche of a living legend.
So while we are overjoyed for Phil, we are hoping that he puts in a below performance in the Rovers to ensure his safe return to the Potteries...and the oche.
The world darts championships without Phil is like oatcakes without cheese and bacon, unsavoury...
Should you wish to find more legends from Stoke-on-Trent, why take some time out and visit The Sentinel...